


The First

by WritinginCT



Category: NCIS
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, BDSM, Drama, Multi, Polyamory, Rape, Rape Recovery, Romance, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-30
Updated: 2007-09-30
Packaged: 2017-10-07 13:20:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/65536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritinginCT/pseuds/WritinginCT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gibbs had to have a first red head right?</p><p>AU.<br/>    The timeline for Gibbs' past deviates wildly from canon and his first wife and daughter don't exist in my AU.<br/>    Heavy Gibbs/OFC angst, BDSM, torture, rape, <br/>    Gibbs/OFC, Gibbs/Abby/Tony<br/>    More information in the Story Notes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First

**Author's Note:**

> This plot had been in my head since about 1989ish and NCIS just provided the perfect characters to wrap it around. This isn't a light story by any means. It involves the journey of recovery for Gibbs and someone Gibbs loves, someone that was tortured and raped.
> 
> It involves Gibbs in a BDSM relationship both in the past and in the present. And for those expecting handcuffs, whips, and leather clad sex, this fic isn't for you. BDSM lifestyles have a lot of psychology behind them. It's not just about sex. There is a whole mental aspect of trust and consent that most BDSM fanfiction never touches on, this one does.
> 
> This was an intently satisfying piece to write, although mentally and emotionally draining. I hope you, as a reader, can take away something positive from it. ~CJ

He had told her to go into the drawer, she had permission. He was having the other's collar adorned to celebrate his first year of service to Him. She felt honored that He would trust her to do this. But she faced a dilemma, there were three flat hinged boxes that He had lovingly crafted out of wood, one held her own collar and another held the other's but whose was the third? And which box was the other's? He was normally the only one to open this drawer.

She opened one tentatively and breathed a sigh of relief to see her own beloved leather collar nestled on a bed of black velvet, adorned with two beautiful onyx charms. She carefully closed this box and opened another. Again nestled in black velvet sat the other's unadorned leather collar, she had no need to open the other box. But she wanted to. Her fingers itched to open it.

Her curiosity won out and she gently opened the cover. She was surprised to see not black velvet but a vivid emerald green, and nestled inside it the most breathtaking collar she had ever seen. Crafted not out of leather but sterling silver it was a work of art. The entire circumference was made up of silver wire knotted into beautiful Celtic designs. It was a thick and heavy piece. Adorning it were four-leaf clovers in silver, five of them sporting large, beautiful green stones that she didn't even hesitate to think were emeralds. It was pristine and showed no sign of tarnish, He must take care to polish it. This was obviously a very special piece for someone very important to Him but who?

Closing the box carefully she completed her task and closed the drawer, but the question kept tumbling in her mind.

\---------------

She knew that her supervisor had called Director Sheppard and requested NCIS's help on several of her cold cases but her nerves were a little on edge actually walking into the building. The building that she had walked out of years ago and not looked back on. The guard confirmed her appointment and she was escorted to the Director Sheppard's office.

She found the Director to be pleasant and professional, and seemed genuinely enthused about the FBI and NCIS working to close some of the overlapping cold case files. As they spoke she studied the woman a little, she had heard He, and he was always He in her mind, had a past fling with Director Sheppard. Somehow though she didn't think that the Director played His favorite games or even knew about them.

Jen Sheppard knew about her of course, and the circumstances of her history with NCIS, but not everything. She had also reviewed her FBI service record and found her to be an outstanding agent, although it was noted on more than one occasion that she didn't play well with others. Given that she worked well with Gibbs in the past she didn't find that to be a big surprise.

Knowing that Gibbs was in court this morning Jen left her with Tony DiNozzo to get acquainted and see where they should start.

\---------------

Tony groaned inwardly, another gorgeous redhead and FBI to boot. Gibbs was going to be unbearable. He tried to make nice with her but she seemed nervous, and kept looking at the clock. What was she waiting for so impatiently?

She was crouched down fishing through the box of files that she had brought with her when the entire bullpen heard Gibbs make his exit from the elevator, barking orders. She dropped her head and took a deep cleansing breath, not realizing that Tony was watching her.

As Gibbs approached his desk he had coffee in one hand, and his court notes in the other, she stood up.

The entire bullpen was treated to Gibbs stopping dead in his tracks, speechless.

She didn't say a word, just stood there with her heart trying to pound its way out of her chest, gritting her teeth.

Neither of them smiled, and their eyes were ice.

No one understood what was going on between them, but no one dared disturb it and the silence stretched out into minutes.

"Evie?" it came out of his mouth as a half-croaked whisper. No one had ever heard a sound like that come out of Gibbs mouth.

She opened her mouth to say something but nothing would come out and she closed it again. She thought she had been prepared to see him. She was wrong. Her whole body started shaking and her flight reflex kicked in. She broke the eye contact, grabbed her bag and bolted out of the bullpen.

She unfortunately managed to get herself lost and she was in a full blown panic attack. She somehow found the ladies locker room and was able to get inside before her knees gave out totally. She sat there trying not to hyperventilate and come down from the anxiety.

\----------------

Gibbs watched her go. He finally threw his files on his desk and turned around to head back to the elevator, taking a moment to glare at Jen on the stairs as he did. He needed to get out of there, away from everyone, had to get his emotions under control. Evie. Here. After all these years?

\---------------

Tony didn't even ask, just gave a passing nod to Jen as he headed for the stairs taking two at a time. He got to the parking lot just in time to see Gibbs speed away. Trying to catch his breath he called Abby.

Hearing him wheezing Abby was worried, "DiNozzo, what's wrong. Tony? Are you hurt?"

"Abs holy hell just broke loose in the bullpen can you track Gibbs' car's GPS and tell me where he's gone to?

"Yeah sure doing it now. But what happened love?"

Tony explained what he had witnessed, not that it made any sense to either of them. Abby volunteered to look up Agent Eveline McFergus's history and let him know if she found anything. Gibbs' car had stopped and she relayed where he was to Tony, both of them thinking his stop was very odd.

\---------------

Tony pulled his car in next Gibbs' and looked around. Gibbs was at an empty playground. Tony saw him sitting on a bench just staring at nothing. He walked over to him. He sat on the other end of the bench but didn't say anything. He was here to listen, to support his boss, his friend, his lover, his Master.

Tony could see the tears Gibbs was desperately trying to hold back and when Gibbs spoke the sorrow in his voice cut Tony to the core. "I kissed her for the first time up against that tree." he waved his hand towards it. "It was a beautiful day and the sun just made her hair look like fire." Gibbs smiled at the memory while a silent tear ran down his cheek. "She was my first redhead. She was so beautiful, is so beautiful." He trailed off lost in a memory.

Tony just listened. It was what Gibbs needed. Gibbs who always instinctively knew what Tony needed, always able to give it to him, to take him down, to take him out of his own head and force him to focus, and now Gibbs needed him. Tony wasn't entirely prepared for what Gibbs said next, it was just so not _Gibbs_.

"I loved her more than anyone or anything in my whole life. I needed her more than breathing. And she loved me, or at least I thought she did. And she just left. Left the job, left the state, left me. And I haven't seen her in fifteen years."

Tony knew Gibbs hated talking about His feelings and found it strange that He could so easily proclaim these deep emotions for Evie. To him it signified the level of trust that He had in Tony and he took it as an honor.

"God Tony, I should hate her, but all I wanted to do was touch her, make sure she was real."

\---------------

The noise level in the bullpen back at NCIS was growing back towards normal. There was a lot of hushed whispering as people tried to figure out what exactly happened between Gibbs and that woman. No one had ever seen Gibbs like that before.

Jen picked up her phone and verified that Eveline had not left the building and had security scan the cameras to find her location and then headed off to the ladies locker room.

She found Eveline sitting on the floor with her arms around her knees rocking back and forth staring at some random point on the floor, totally lost in her own world.

"Agent McFergus?" Jen said quietly.

When she didn't get a response she tried again, "Eveline?"

Again no response, so she tried again, "Evie?"

She saw the other woman scrunch up her face trying not to cry and heard her say in a small hurt voice, "Please don't call me that. He's the only one that calls me Evie."

Jen had known Gibbs a long time, as partners, friends, and lovers. She saw the hurt in his eyes when he left earlier, and had heard the longing in his voice when he called out to Evie. She didn't understand it though, because he had never said anything to her about having a relationship with Evie. She sat down near her and leaned up against the lockers.

"How about I stick to Eveline?"

Evie nodded and Jen continued, "Gibbs and I have been friends for a very long time Eveline and he's never mentioned knowing you."

\---------------

Abby was diligently ready through everything she could find on Eveline and still couldn't put the pieces completely together. Everything from the FBI showed she was a good agent, and the only odd thing was a two-year medical leave fifteen years ago.

The earliest thing she was able to find was a mention of her at some big multi-agency conference twenty-years ago. Abby was pleased that they had a picture of all the participants and was shocked to see Evie standing next to a very familiar face, Gibbs. They looked so young and both had this little smile like they had a secret they weren't sharing.

Trying to follow up on that two-year absence what she read about made her almost physically ill.

Fifteen years ago the FBI was working a case involving a serial rapist/murderer. He had tortured, raped and killed eight women before turning his sights to female naval personnel and his death count rose to twelve. The task force was huge utilizing the combined talents of the FBI and the NCIS. Abby was surprised to find both Gibbs and Eveline's names on the task force list, as they were both junior agents at the time.

The decision had been made to use a decoy to see if they could draw out the killer, and Eveline volunteered, and the lead investigators all agreed because she fit the victim profile perfectly. There was a footnote mentioning that Gibbs had violently protested using her but it did not go into his reasoning why and that he had been overruled.

\---------------

"We met at some boring inter-agency conference twenty years ago when I first started with NCIS. They had randomly put teams of five together and she and I ended up on the same team. Good thing too because I would have killed the other three morons by the end of the first day. But she was smart and funny and kept the peace."

He chuckled, "She had them eating out of her hand. Me she just kicked under the table to help me keep my mouth shut. The minute we broke for lunch she snagged my arm and dragged me out of there and we ended up here after grabbing a couple hot dogs. She was so full of life and though I had only known her a few hours I wanted her more than any woman I had ever met. And I kissed her, up against that tree. Then she turned around and kissed me up against that one."

\---------------

_They managed to get in the door of her apartment before mauling each other. Barely. She tasted like sunshine and cinnamon and he devoured her mouth like a starving man. He had survived the first day of the conference without killing someone only because of her. And here they were struggling to get out of their clothes and stumble the twenty feet from the door of her studio apartment to her bed near the window._

There was no finesse, no grace. They had had a full day's worth of foreplay, and what they wanted was hot, nasty sex. Their hands tried to be everywhere, neither saying anything but the room was full of sound, little moans and grunts and gasps. He pressed her to the bed and entered her in one thrust and the universe shuddered to a halt. He knew in that instant that he would never want another woman like he wanted this one. He almost proposed to her right then. But marriage wasn't enough, he wanted to possess her. Make her His and he didn't even know what that meant.

\---------------

"No He probably wouldn't have. It was a long time ago. A lifetime ago." Evie said softly.

"How long has it been since you've seen him?" Jen prompted, hoping to get the other woman to talk. She knew they had both been involved in the Stetson case fifteen years ago and how that ended but didn't know if they had a personal relationship outside of the case. Gibbs had never said anything.

"Fifteen years."

"Were you romantically involved?"

Evie gave her a wry little smile, "Direct aren't you? Yes, we were. And rumor has it that we have that in common."

Jen chuckled, "We're both professional interrogators I figured I would cut to the chase. And between you and me, he and I did have something a long time ago but have stayed friends. And I have to tell you I've never seen him like that before. Is there something I should know? As his friend who cares about him."

\---------------

_From that first night on their free time belonged to each other. Both of them being federal agents didn't leave a lot of free time though but it was enough. It grew to be about more than sex. Even more than love, because those words came quickly. It was about need. He needed her, and she needed him. Neither had believed in soul mates until they met each other. They had equal energy, equal lust, and equal need. Two halves only whole when together._

And they discovered a desire in both of them. A desire that although opposite in each, complimented the other's. They did not know what it meant, this need of hers to have Him control her and His need to possess her completely. Being investigators they researched and read and learned. And the first night He buckled the leather on her wrists and she let go was like nothing they had ever experienced. Holding each other as sleep took them they knew nothing would ever be the same for them.

\---------------

Abby read page after page of case notes and summaries for the Stetson case, and found that in a nutshell the FBI screwed up the operation and Evie was kidnapped by the suspect and spirited away without a clue. She was held for ten days during which she was systematically tortured and raped, beyond anything he had done to previous victims.

And although the official reports didn't outright say it Abby read between the lines to figure out that Gibbs went rogue. He found where she was being kept and proceeded to shoot the suspect in the head at close range, very close range, as in millimeters.

The official reports said that he was still working with the task force to bring Agent McFergus home but the unofficial case notes showed that Gibbs punched out the lead FBI investigator the night she was taken and gave his badge and gun to his supervisor. He then spent the next ten days not eating or sleeping until he found her. His NCIS teammates were concerned enough about his behavior to document it in their notes. And more than one had commented that they thought his feelings for Evie went far beyond the professional.

Abby was getting a sick feeling in her stomach as a memory of silver and five emeralds flashed in her mind.

\---------------

"There is a lot more to tell but I want to show you something and I need a drink. Let's go back to my house." Gibbs said to Tony.

He needed to share this with Tony. Tony never judged Him, just accepted and supported. He would understand Gibbs' pain. Abby was also His but Gibbs' level of trust was different with Tony. The two men gave Abby their warm, playful, loving sides. To each other they gave their pain, their anger, and their frustrations. They could be rough if they needed it, they could fuck until they were raw, both physically and emotionally. And if there was ever a day that Gibbs _needed_ Tony today was it.

They reached the house and went inside. Tony followed Gibbs silently up the stairs to his bedroom. Gibbs waved him in the direction of the bed, "Sit. I want to show you something."

Tony sat, carefully watching Gibbs. When he saw what drawer Gibbs was heading for he had to take a breath and concentrate on not falling. He knew what was in that drawer, and had known for a year.

Gibbs removed one of the flat hinged boxes from the drawer and Tony saw a fresh flash of pain cross his face. He walked to the bed and sat down next to Tony, the box held carefully in His hands.

"I was honest with you and Abby when I told you that I only ever had one other before you." Gibbs handed Tony the box and said, "Open it."

Tony held the box reverently not knowing what to expect. He looked over at Gibbs and down to the box. He slowly opened the top and the sight of the silver collar lying on its bed of green velvet took his breath away. He took in the Celtic design and the clovers and the light bulb went off over his head. He ran a gentle finger over the five beautiful stones realizing what they signified to Gibbs.

"McFergus." he said softly.

\---------------

_He had been very secretive lately. Planning and plotting she thought. Two can play at that game though and she did some planning and plotting of her own._

That night when they both got home from work was the start of their vacation and they not planned on going anywhere, they were just staying home and puttering and just having some down time. So he was surprised to see her packing a large suitcase for the two of them when he got home. When he questioned she just smiled and handed him an envelope. And when he opened it a matching smile spread across his face.

They spent the next ten days on a small sailboat in Hawaii. Mentally recharging and fishing in between frequent bouts of hot sex.

It was day four when they were lying on deck enjoying the sun when she murmured to him that they really needed a sailboat of their own back home so they could escape whenever they wanted. He liked that idea so much he rolled over on top of her and kissed her deeply and a very short time later when he was slowly thrusting into her matching the gentle lapping of the boat he promised to build her one.

Two days later on the night of their first anniversary after they returned from dinner on the island He placed his hand on the back of her neck and squeezed gently, and she instinctively bowed her head waiting for His instructions. Standing behind her He reached around her with a gift in His hand, and in His low bedroom voice, the one that made her knees weak just to hear it He told her to open it. Her hands shook slightly as she carefully opened the gift. Its beauty stole her breath and she gently ran her finger over the silver stopping on the single clover holding a brilliant emerald.

\---------------

"Director Sheppard I'm sure you've at least glanced at my file. You know about the Stetson case and my part in it."

"Please call me Jen, I left the Director back in my office. I am familiar with the Stetson case. I can't just begin to figure out what to say to you about that, everything I think of sounds trite."

"Jen I think you and I were cut from very similar cloth. There really is nothing anyone can say or do for that matter. It happened, he's dead, and the world kept spinning."

Jen thought about that for a second and said quietly, "But it didn't keep spinning did it?"

"No."

Jen had read the file, knew that although never spelled out that Gibbs had found her and executed the suspect, well beaten him to a pulp then executed him with a bullet to his brain. Jen suspected that a lot of things got left out of the official reports, and that the FBI was just glad to get Evie back alive, and get that psychopath off the street one way or another.

"How long were you together before the case?"

"Five years."

\---------------

Abby checked her boy's GPS and was relieved to see them both at Gibbs' house. Her mind was reeling from everything she read. She had put a good number of pieces together and just wanted to hug Gibbs, and Evie for that matter. She wanted to go to Him after work and give Him her support but somehow she knew that it was Tony that He needed tonight. She knew that they had a different bond than she had with Him. It was more primal, more aggressive. And if her outrage over what she read burned that brightly she couldn't even begin to imagine what Gibbs' emotions were. And Tony was better equipped to handle an on the edge Gibbs.

\---------------

Tony looked from the contents of the box to meet Gibbs' eyes. The pain he saw there made Tony's stomach knot.

"Do you know about the Stetson case?" Gibbs asked quietly.

Tony thought hard for a minute and ventured, "Serial rapist/murderer wasn't it?"

"Yeah. Let's go downstairs I need to show you something in the office."

Tony carefully closed the box and respectfully handed it back to Gibbs. He saw Him caress the case gently before placing it back in the drawer and he also saw Him ball His hands into fists after He closed the drawer. Tony could sense the rage and frustration rolling off of Gibbs in waves.

They headed down to the office and Gibbs had Tony sit and from a locked drawer he pulled a thick case file that he handed to Tony. Leaving him to read Gibbs went to locate some liquor.

Tony quickly went through the case file trying to keep a detached perspective, but the crimes were heinous. And they got worse as his victim count grew. He immediately picked up Gibbs name on the task force when the victims started becoming female naval personnel. He also found Agent McFergus listed. And when he read about the botched operation where Evie was taken he now understood Gibbs' complete hatred of all things FBI.

From what Tony was able to determine it was complete incompetence on the part of the lead investigator, there just wasn't enough surveillance on her to protect her and he refused to allow Gibbs to shadow her. The suspect somehow realized that it was a sting and he planted a small explosive device a block away from Evie's position and when it went off Stetson was able to snatch her in the middle of the confusion.

The report in the file of her ten-day captivity and subsequent rescue by Gibbs was weak on details. And Tony had been around long enough to see a cover-up when he saw one. But why?

The last thing he found in the folder was a series of photographs of Evie, Tony couldn't believe she lived. There wasn't a square inch of skin on her body that hadn't been cropped, whipped, switched, or burned with candle wax. He just couldn't put this in perspective with the woman that was standing in front of his desk earlier.

He studied the photos a little more, trying to process it all when he noticed something, there were small round bubbled areas on the photos. He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath when he realized what had caused it, Gibbs' tears.

He put the file back in the drawer and scrubbed his face with his hands then walked out to he living room.

He found Gibbs sitting on the couch just staring at a spot on the carpet, a glass of bourbon in hand. The bottle was on the coffee table and there was another glass beside it with three fingers already poured for Tony.

Tony took the glass and sat in the armchair across from Gibbs. He regarded the other man carefully for a long moment then asked, "So do you want to tell me what's not in that report that's killing you inside?"

\---------------

_Agony, sweet agony. His hand was drawing intricate circles on the skin of her back. Her arms were stretched and tied expertly to the far corners of the headboard, her nipples barely brushing the smooth cool wood in front of her. And His hand was drawing intricate circles on the skin of her back. The silk scarf tied around her eyes forced her to focus even more on her other senses. And His hand was drawing intricate circles on the skin of her back. She could hear Him breathing behind her and she could feel her heart pounding in anticipation in her chest. And His hand was drawing intricate circles on the skin of her back. His voice low and firm was whispering the things He was going to do to her body and He interlaced it with things He was going to do to her in the future. And His hand was drawing intricate circles on the skin of her back. And when His other hand connected with the ass cheek she had so willingly offered up to Him with a sharp crack He never stopped drawing intricate circles on the skin of her back. Her whole existence came down to those circles. _

\---------------

"Five years?" Jen asked skeptically. None of Gibbs other relationships, including his three ex-wives lasted anywhere near that long. In fact his three marriages put together didn't add up to five years.

"We met at a conference and hit it off. One thing led to another and five years later we were still together. We just clicked I guess."

"I have to ask, why didn't you two get married?"

"No reason to. We were faithful to each other and didn't need a piece of paper to prove it. Plus we wouldn't have been allowed to work together on cases. And in reality we really did make a good team investigatively when we collaborated. But it was something we had thought about."

"So what happened today?

"I left the East Coast after I got out of the hospital. I went to Seattle and I haven't seen Him since. It wasn't a good ending. Actually it wasn't an ending at all. I ran. Like I did today." She took a deep breath and stood up. Jen stood up with her.

Jen suspected that there was much more to it than that, she sensed that there was something about their relationship that went far beyond them just being lovers. She had seen Gibbs' with other past lovers that he had bad endings with and none of them had caused the pain she saw in his face earlier.

"Director, thank you for listening. I'm um, going to get some air. I will send someone from my office to pick up the boxes of files. I think it will be better to have a different agent as liaison with NCIS on the cold cases under the circumstances."

"Agent McFergus... Eveline, I just want to say I'm sorry. Sorry about everything that happened. I'll speak with your supervisor and put this in a way that doesn't reflect badly on you. It's just a very awkward situation, he will just have to understand."

She actually got a real grin out of Evie, "Director I appreciate that. Don't worry too much about it though, I'm pretty bulletproof at the agency. Given everything that happened they give me a lot of leeway, and short of killing my superior I can get away with just about anything." And then she added cockily, channeling Gibbs, "Besides I am a great agent that cleans up a lot of old FBI screw ups in cold case. But I'll deny ever saying that."

Jen extended her hand, "I understand. And listen, if there is anything you need, anything, please call me."

\---------------

_She knew that glint in His eye. He was up to something. And then she realized it was their fifth anniversary, of course He was up to something. He told her to get in the car. And when she complained that she needed to pack a bag He looked at her, and dropped His voice and told her that clothing was not going to be necessary. The steel in His voice made her feel flush all over. And when they were back on the same small sailboat they celebrated their first anniversary on she could have cared less about clothing. And one night as she was cocooned in His arms wrapped in a blanket on the deck in the moonlight He asked her to marry Him. It wasn't the first time He had asked but it was the first time she said yes._

\---------------

bby was a bundle of nervous energy. As the day wrapped up and she left her lab she realized that she didn't want to go home. And she didn't think her place was at Gibbs' either. She found herself driving and on a whim heading for the park where Tony had found Gibbs earlier. She was surprised to see someone sitting alone on one of the benches, someone with red hair.

Abby took a deep breath and got out of the car and headed over to the woman.

Evie was lost in her own thoughts and although she registered that someone had sat down on the other end of the bench she didn't look.

"Agent McFergus?" Abby asked quietly.

Evie turned to see the younger woman and was momentarily taken aback by the her goth appearance, "I'm sorry do I know you?"

"Um no, I work for NCIS. In the forensics lab. I'm Abby."

Evie was still confused as to why Abby was there, it was too weird to be coincidence. "Do you come here a lot, Abby?"

"No. I was just driving and decided to stop."

"Any particular reason?"

Abby blurted out without thinking, "Because He came here earlier and I wanted to know why."

Evie raised an eyebrow and asked, "He being?"

Abby looked down at her hands and said softly, "Gibbs."

\---------------

"I should have protected her. I should have ignored that jackass and shadowed her that night." Gibbs eyes met Tony's.

"You couldn't have known what Stetson was going to do."

"My gut told me that the whole thing was wrong. It was wrong for her to do it, wrong for me not to shadow her, wrong for there not to be more surveillance. Everything about it was wrong. But no one would listen."

Tony could see the guilt that Gibbs carried and now understood why he was so protective of his team, and why he always went with his gut rules be damned. But Tony wanted the story, wanted Gibbs to give him all of it, and once Gibbs did if He shattered, if He were broken Tony would put Him back together like He had done for Tony so many times and so he said with a touch of steel in his voice, "So what happened?"

Gibbs was surprised by Tony's tone and was pleased and relieved, Tony had Him. "Right after the explosion and we realized that she was missing the jackass had the audacity to say that it was her own fault for not aborting when we all heard the explosion. I didn't even think, I just reacted and he was out cold on the ground and I had three men holding me back from killing him. My superior got to the scene and I handed him my badge and service weapon and I left."

He took a sip of his drink and continued, "It took me ten days to find her. Everyone else gave her up for dead. But I knew she was alive, I would have known if she were dead. It was actually her notes that lead me to them. She had interviewed Stetson early on in the investigation and she had a notation near his name. CF10. Stood for Creep Factor of ten. She had liked him for the murders early on but there wasn't any evidence linking him to four of the victims and the jackass insisted that he wasn't the guy. It was how Stetson knew it was a setup, he recognized her."

Tony saw Gibbs clench and unclench his fist as he spoke.

"I went to his house and when I identified myself he laughed, the bastard laughed, and asked me if I was missing something."

\---------------

_His. His to make quiver under his gentle hand. His to make sweat and beg. His to satisfy or not. His to use. His to adore or ignore. His to taste and mark. His to reward or punish. His to take to their limits. His to respect and cherish. His._

Because she let him.

He looked at the divine image before Him. She was beautifully adorned in the new gift He had given her and the room was heavy with the smell of the new leather and her arousal and it was heady. He watched her take shallow breaths, the new leather corset didn't allow for more than shallow breaths. Her wrists were bound in familiar leather and clipped in place to the back of the new. Her eyes were hidden behind a mask of silk. Silver and emeralds decorating her throat. She was down further than she had ever been.

She was kneeling in the middle of the room and He walked around her drinking in the sight of her from all angles. His own arousal almost hurt, and He had the urge to take her hard and rough. But it was not what she needed. Tonight she needed gentleness and beauty. And He would take her there, slowly, with whisper soft touches and words. And when he finally allowed the rainbow explosion to take her she would cry out His name and give another piece of her soul to Him.

\---------------

"I see," said Eveline turning away from Abby.

"We tracked His GPS after He left the office." Abby was babbling, she really didn't know what to say to Eveline.

"We?"

"Um, me and Tony, we were worried about Him."

Evie stood to leave, "I'm sure He appreciates your dedication to the team, if you'll excuse me."

She started walking away when Abby blurted out, "Why did He come here Agent McFergus? There is nothing here."

Not stopping she replied softly, "You'll have to ask Him that."

"I saw the emeralds and clovers."

Evie stopped walking but didn't turn around, "I don't know what you're talking about." But her hands curled into fists with her nails biting deeply into her palms.

"He gives me onyx." Abby replied matter-of-factly.

Evie turned around and faced the younger woman, the understanding that Abby was His evident on her face. Evie went and sat back down next to Abby who said quietly, "He told me that He only had one other before me, I never thought I would actually meet that person."

\---------------

Gibbs stared at the inscrutable spot on the carpet again and tried to collect himself. His breathing was heavy and full of rage.

Tony said evenly, "Then what?" sensing that he needed to pull this poison out of Gibbs.

"He was practically giddy, Tony. Even with my Sig in his face. He was just so damned pleased with himself. He said he was done, she was his last one. He said she was perfect. He said finally found one he could break without dying. I beat the hell out of him, and he still laughed."

Tony could see Him gritting His teeth with each "he said". And he could see that Gibbs' pupils were mere pinpoints. He had never seen Him like this and it worried him.

"He finally brought me to where she was and he said...." Gibbs' voice and tears broke at the same time and He sat there not making a sound just staring at the spot on the carpet.

Tony moved to sit on the edge of the couch and squeezed Gibbs' shoulder gently, "Tell me."

Gibbs looked at Tony and finally took some of the quiet strength that Tony was offering Him. Tony wouldn't let Him fall into the darkness, into that memory in His brain that still wakes Him up in a cold sweat.

"He said she cried for me, called out my name. When I saw her I just pulled the trigger. I didn't think. I didn't care. I just put a bullet in his brain."

\---------------

_Pain. It surrounded and consumed her. There was no escape from it, no release. No gentle touches to ease the sting of the crop, just the anticipation of more pain. She tried screaming to vent the pain but it just brought more. Layer upon layer, he stripped her skin from her body. She had no day and night, just darkness. Darkness and pain. And when he forced himself inside her, she shattered. And she cried out for the one she wanted to end the pain, the one she shared a soul with. She was in a million pieces and knew that they would never all fit back together again. No matter how hard He tried._

She willed herself to die. To deprive him the opportunity to give her more pain. To hide from a future destroyed.

She was at her end, where she thought there would be nothing left. Where she thought she would just slip into the darkness forever. But at this end she found light and warmth. And the gentle breeze brought the scent of the sea to wash away the scent of blood. And He was there. She could see Him hazily through the light. She desperately wanted to see His face. But all she could see were His eyes, so blue, so full of love, but so sad. He cocooned her in His arms and she felt the gentle rocking of the boat and as she drifted back towards the darkness she let Him go. Because she loved Him.

\---------------

"How long?"

"Almost two and a half years." Abby answered.

Evie nodded and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and clasped her hands together, "He still has it?"

Abby knew immediately what she was asking about, "Yeah. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, Agent McFergus."

"Please call me Eveline. I can't believe He kept it." She said with a pained expression clouding her face.

"Can I ask you something, Eveline?"

"Somehow I doubt I could stop you, Abby. But go ahead."

"I've already guessed that there was more between you and Him than just the scene. And I read about what happened, but what I don't know is why you left? I mean, He loved you, you loved Him, right? Couldn't you have gotten past what happened together?"

"Sometimes Abby, when things shatter there's just no putting them back together." She stood to leave, determined to do so this time.

"Do you still love Him?"

"I've never loved anyone but Him. Please take care of Him for me. He has the gentlest soul, Abby. And it wouldn't take much for it to shatter too."

"Tony and I always take care of Him. And He takes care of us."

"That's good. He'll need you."

"Are you leaving again?"

"Yes. My coming back here was a mistake. I'll be leaving tomorrow."

"Maybe you should stay and try and work through this with Him."

"I can't, Abby, for the same reason I couldn't before. I'm not strong enough to stay, and He wasn't strong enough to come after me."

"Where will you go?"

Evie smiled fondly at a lost memory, "I'm taking a couple of weeks off and going someplace warm, where I can smell the sea and the flowers. It's my favorite place in the world and I've only been there twice."

"Where is that, Eveline?"

Evie started walking away and answered back over her shoulder, "Ask Him."

\---------------

"I got her out of there but she wasn't responsive at all. She was in a coma. I was her medical power of attorney, same as she was for me. So they couldn't hide anything from me. I know every single, solitary thing that bastard did to her."

Tony's soft and steady voice tried to cut through Gibbs' anger, "He can't hurt her anymore, he's dead. You made sure he couldn't hurt anyone ever again."

Gibbs met Tony's eyes and saw the approval there for what he had done so many years ago. Right or wrong in the eyes of the law, in the eyes of justice, Stetson had earned it.

"How long was she in a coma?" Tony asked gently.

"The first one was fifteen days." He paused and poured himself more bourbon.

"The first one?"

"She started coming out of the first one when..." He closed his eyes in pain, trying to squelch back the tears.

"When what?

"I was sitting there with her late one night, sort of zoning out. I started hearing something dripping and when I looked around there was blood dripping off the side of the bed, and a huge pool of it underneath her." He paused and belted down his drink, "She had a complicated miscarriage. They said she was about five weeks pregnant. And she was bleeding to death. And to save her I had to give them permission. God Tony, I had to give them permission to do a hysterectomy. She was going to die if I didn't. But what gave me the right to make that choice for her?"

Tony couldn't even imagine the guilt that Gibbs must feel over that. Knowing how much He loved children, and now knowing how much He loved Evie, he knew that the decision that saved her life had probably broken Gibbs heart forever.

Gibbs was back to staring at the carpet.

"Look at me." Tony demanded, and when he finally had the ice blue eyes fixed on him, he said firmly, "She _gave_ you the right. She knew you would make the right decisions for her. She trusted you completely. She knew you could make the hard call. The same way I know you could make them for me and the same way you know I can make them for you. What happened was not your fault."

\---------------

_Floating, she was floating. The smell of blood was gone replaced by the smell of antiseptic. She tried opening her eyes only to squeeze them shut against the blinding light. A single tear escaped her when she let herself believe that she was finally out of the darkness._

She heard His voice, a low hoarse whisper, and she realized He was crying, begging her to come back to Him. He was holding her hand and she poured all of her soul into trying to squeeze back. He cried out her name in response when she did, but she had slipped away to the arms of a restful sleep, knowing if He were there that she was safe.

The next time she woke she opened her eyes and saw Him sleeping with His head near her hand on the bed. He looked tired, and sad, so so sad. With all the effort she could muster she lifted her hand and ran a gentle finger over His lips. His eyes flew open to catch a glimpse of hers a moment before sleep took her again.

Pain, she was surrounded by pain. Again. The monster had returned. Then she heard His voice. Low and soothing, He told her they had to clean her wounds. He promised it would be over soon. He held her hand and told her it was okay to cry. But she didn't. And day after day they would scrub her raw so she would heal. And every day the pain brought it all back and she could feel the monster on her, in her. And her pieces scattered further and further.  
  
\---------------

Evie called her boss while she drove back to her hotel, "Carl, I need to take some time."

"I just spoke with Director Sheppard, Eveline. Are you okay?"

Carl knew her past, and was fair and compassionate man that gave her a lot of leeway. They were good friends outside of work as well and truth be told, if she ever gave him even the slightest bit of interest he would jump at the chance to be more than her friend.

"I shouldn't have come back. I wasn't ready to see Him."

Carl knew about Gibbs. Not all of it, but that they had been in a serious relationship. And Carl would sometimes see her staring off at nothing and wondered if she were thinking about Gibbs. Missing him.

"Anything you need Eveline, you know that. And you know I'm here for you."

"Thanks Carl, I'll see you in two weeks."

\---------------

"After the surgery she was in another coma. All I could do was hold her hand and beg her to come back to me, Tony."

"How long did that one last?"

"Six days." Tony saw a ghost of a smile cross Gibbs' face and His hand raised to touch His lip.

In a gentle voice Tony asked, "What are you remembering?"

"Ever have something happen you think is a dream at first?"

Chuckling, Tony replied with a cock of his head, "In this relationship with you and Abby? All the time, Boss."

Gibbs looked at Tony, and realized that although said with humor, that the younger man was completely serious.

"I fell asleep with my head on her bed. And she woke up. Just for a minute, long enough to trace my mouth with her finger. It woke me up and I thought I was dreaming. But I saw her eyes, just for a second before she went back out. But it was just sleep this time."

Tony looked hard at Gibbs trying to assess His condition. His eyes were almost back to normal and His breathing was better. The bourbon and the talking seemed to be working.

"The hard part was that they still had to debris her wounds awake or not. They drugged her as much as they dared but it was still awful for her. She would squeeze my hand but she didn't make a sound."

"That is never easy."

"No, it's not. I wish she cried or screamed to let it out, but she didn't make a sound. Wouldn't talk either. They kept trying to push psychiatrists on her but she wouldn't talk to them. Hell, she wouldn't even talk to me. They started pumping her full of anti-depressants and talked about moving her to a psychiatric hospital once her physical health was better. The better she got physically, the more she pulled away from me. I didn't know what to do."

\---------------

_She had to let Him go. She wasn't His anymore. The pain in the darkness had stolen her from Him, and no matter how close He was He couldn't reach to find her. She pulled away, deeper into herself._

They wanted her to talk, tell them what she was thinking and feeling. But how could she tell them that all she was doing was screaming inside. Howling in rage and anger. Reliving it over and over. They would come into her room, in their clean white coats and spout platitudes about how it wasn't her fault and she wasn't to blame, and that she could trust them.

Trust. What did they know about trust. Trust was earned, a gift when given. She only trusted one completely, Him.

That is until they sent yet another white-coat in to talk to her. But he was different. He was young, and his appearance reminded her of those they had seeing riding the waves in Hawaii. His green eyes were soft and gentle and he had a quiet unassuming way about him. But it was something her investigator's eyes noticed that closed the distance between them. His wrists bore the ever so faint marks of being bound. Soft rope from the look of it. And he wore a braided leather choker that to most held no significance. But she knew.

And when he nodded when she lightly fingered the marks on his wrist and asked in a hushed whisper if she could trust him, she knew that he would help find her shattered pieces.

\---------------

Evie sat in the hotel bar, nursing a glass of white wine, grateful that the day was winding down. It was not a day to relive.

That was how she thought of her life now, days to relive and days to forget. It was something that Matthew had taught her a long time ago. Meeting him was a day to relive she thought fondly. The floppy-haired intern. She trusted him. And he earned it.

She finished her drink and decided to take a walk, it was just too early to close herself up in her hotel room. Dusk was falling and the restaurants and bars were getting busier. She watched the people coming and going. Couples holding hands, kisses being stolen. She paused and smiled, remembering being with Him and doing just that. _Those _were times to relive.

\---------------

Gibbs flopped his head back on the couch back and said with a snicker, "She'd give me hell about now if she saw me."

"Yeah, well don't think you're out of the woods yet. Abby hasn't shown up yet."

"Oh god, Abby."

"She knows I'm with you. I'll call her in a while. But you've got a story to finish first."

People often underestimated Tony, his sense of humor getting the better of him most of the time. But he was a strong man, strong minded, strong willed, and strong emotionally for those he cared about. He wasn't just going to leave Gibbs with His emotional entrails hanging out for the vultures.

"I had gone to get coffee one morning and when I came back there was weird looking kid in a white coat standing next to her, nodding at something. He looked like he belonged on a surf board, Tony. He was a psych intern, named Matthew Borden. Out of all the doctors and nurses, he was the one she responded to."

"Did she actually speak to him?"

"Yeah. It took me a while to understand why."

"What was so special about him?"

"Somehow she figured out that he was a sub. I don't know how exactly, he didn't broadcast it. A couple weeks after they started talking he took me for a walk on the grounds, away from everyone and told me. Apparently I'm a little dense and didn't interpret all of his â€˜Sirs' the right way."

Tony allowed himself a little chuckle then straightened, "Sorry, _Sir_. Please continue."

\---------------

_Pieces were everywhere. She had pieces everywhere. She hated people touching her. And everyone wanted to touch her. Patting her hand, combing her hair, bathing her, scrubbing her wounds. She screamed inside every time. Even when He touched her._

And He wouldn't leave. No matter how far away she pulled herself He just wouldn't leave. In her mind He was the ship captain that strapped himself to the wheel to keep it on course through the hurricane. He wanted her pain, wanted to weather it himself. Begged her for it. And she almost gave it to Him. Almost let herself absorb His strength. Almost fell into His arms sobbing. But she didn't.

She never cried. On the outside. But He did. And she would not add to His pain with her own.

\---------------

Evie walked the familiar city streets, smiling at how things had changed through the years. So many things had changed. She thought about how He looked earlier. Still strong and solid, His hair was grey now but it suited him well. It added to His character.

She thought about Abby. There was a lightness and innocence around her, like an aura. She chuckled and wondered who had made the first move there. She would put money on Abby. She was the sort that He would enjoy looking after. And she sensed a strength in Abby that mirrored the strength that she used have within herself.

When Abby had mentioned Tony she was taken aback, that was just not something she would have ever expected of Him. But the more she thought about it the more sense it made. What they did was about wants and needs and who was best able to fulfill them. Male or female, it just didn't matter. Need called to need.

\---------------

Gibbs looked at his empty glass and sighed. "I need coffee." He got up and made his way to the kitchen. Tony, knowing he would continue the story when He was ready, followed Him into the kitchen.

Gibbs went through the familiar motions of making coffee and once the pot was brewing he turned towards Tony, leaning his hip on the counter.

Tony's phone chirped signaling an incoming text message and he glanced at it quickly and smiled, "Abby."

He looked long and hard at Gibbs and asked pointedly, "Should I tell her you're okay?"

Gibbs dropped his chin to his chest for a moment then looked up at Tony, "Are you staying?"

Tony gave him a pained look.

"Tell her I'm okay then."

Tony's fingers deftly typed in a quick return text message to Abby as the coffee pot made its final gurgle.

"So she started talking to this intern..." Tony prompted.

\---------------

_Her confidant took her outside into the sun and fresh air. The plants and flowers in the hospital garden gave everything a clean, natural smell. No blood, no antiseptic. And as she closed her eyes and drank in the smell and sun she smiled. Smiled for the first time since the darkness had claimed her._

Her confidant never judged, never questioned her right to her feelings. Never questioned why she would place all her trust in Him, why she would allow Him to do anything to her.

Her confidant knew. Trust was something he understood. And he understood that she had retreated into that trust in the darkness praying that He would find her. And he also understood how angry she was at Him for leaving her in the darkness and pain for so long. And most importantly he understood how guilty she felt for that anger.

But today her confidant was just glad to see her smile, even for just a moment. She was moving back towards the light.

\---------------

Evie paused a moment looking at the heavy oak door in front of her and chuckled, thinking to herself that some things never change. She grabbed the brass handle and opened the door and walked into a scene that hadn't changed in fifteen years.

The bar was enormous and the room adorned in oak and brass, the familiar green and four-leaf clovers present on mirrors and other décor. The man behind the bar was a little greyer and a little more on the portly side but his smile as she slid into a bar stool was exactly the same.

"N'here's a face that hasn't lit up this room in a long time." He said in a thick brogue. "Is it really you McFergus? Or are ya jest a trick the little people are playing on me?"

She smiled and teased back in her own brogue, "Och Danny, do I look fey to you?"

"Lass, y're always a vision. I've missed ya."

"I've missed you too, Danny."

He didn't even ask her what she wanted, he just poured a coffee and doctored it with Irish cream and whiskey. He placed it in front of her with a flourish.

She grinned as she sipped it, "You remembered."

"In forty years of tending bar, I've never forgotten a friend's favorite."

"So Danny, how is your family? How many grandchildren are you up to?"

As they slipped easily into conversation she was surprised at how comfortable she was back in this bar. It was like coming home. The only thing missing was a laughing, blue-eyed man next to her. They had spent many nights here. Danny had a soft spot for cops and could always be counted on for burgers or sandwiches at all hours, he took care of them and they all took care of him and the bar. Danny was the one that made sure Gibbs ate while Evie was in the hospital. He would bring food and brow beat and guilt Gibbs into eating and taking care of himself.

Danny's face grew serious for a moment, "Ya know lass, yer man was a mess when ya left."

She dropped her eyes down to her mug, "Yeah."

"He still loves ya you know."

She looked at him and said without much conviction, "That was a long time ago, Danny."

His expression turned skeptical, "Ha! That's why he comes in here every St. Patty's day and drinks a single toast to yer picture over thar. You broke his heart lass. I can see it in his eyes." He paused and looked at her, "But maybe his wasn't the only heart broken, aye?

She didn't know what to say, she had. She took her mug and went over to the wall of framed photos. She found their picture in the same spot it had been in since Danny hung it up. It was a silly, drunken picture taken the first St. Patrick's day that they were together. Evie had on a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" t-shirt and He was doing exactly that, both with empty shot glasses in hand. They had gotten so incredibly drunk that night, and the hangovers the next day were spectacular.

But she thought as she ran a finger over His image, "That was a day to relive."

\---------------

Gibbs sat at the kitchen table clutching his coffee mug. Their grumbling stomachs, fueled by too much liquor, had made their presence known a while ago so Tony started some water boiling for a quick pasta supper.

"She liked Matthew. Trusted him. I think part of it was that he could get in her headspace. He would visit her all hours of the day and night. Anytime she needed him. She still wouldn't talk to me or anyone else but she poured her heart out to him." Gibbs sounded almost annoyed at that.

Tony thought for a moment, trying to be objective, difficult given that his feelings for Him, "You know, maybe it wasn't You. Maybe she just felt safe talking to him because she could just dump everything on him and not have to worry about hurting him."

"What do you mean? There wasn't anything she couldn't tell me."

"Even if she was angry at You?"

He didn't say anything, just glared at Tony. Tony tried to clarify, "Her emotions had to be all over the place Boss, and real or not, justified or not, I'll bet she was angry. Angry at Stetson, angry at the FBI, and even angry at You for not protecting her. And I bet as much as you loved each other that she felt guilty as hell about it, knowing You would never hurt her. So maybe this Matthew was someone she could dump all those feelings on and help her sort out what was what."

"I never thought about it that way."

"I can't imagine You did, You had your own emotional soup to chew on."

"But she still left me, Tony. What does that say?"

"I don't know. You haven't told me that part of the story yet."

\--------------

_Her boss visited. Well the boss of her boss, the Director himself. He only stayed a few minutes but promised her that she would always have a place at the agency. He told her to concentrate on getting well and he would handle everything else. She didn't speak to him but acknowledged him with a nod._

She and her confidant talked about the future and where she saw herself. She wanted to chase the monsters in the dark. Chase them so they couldn't hurt anyone else. But she needed to find her own pieces first. Put herself back together. And she had to do it on her own.

Her confidant helped her find a place to go to heal. Away from here. Away from Him. So far away.

It had always been her choice to be His. But loving Him was never part of that choice, it was something bigger than both of them. Her heart would always be His. And it was the one part of her million shattered pieces that she wouldn't bring with her to Seattle.

The night before she left she sat with a pen in hand trying to find the words to tell Him why she was leaving. But none would come. She finally settled on two and left the note for Him with her confidant.

\---------------

Evie said her goodbyes to Danny and caught a cab back to her hotel. She decided as she sunk up to her ears into a hot tub that she was very glad the day was over, it just couldn't have gotten any worse.

When she finally crawled into bed, with most of the lights on because she still couldn't bear to be alone in the dark, she thought about the man she had hurt so badly so long ago and cried. Cried for what they had. Cried for what they could have had. Cried for obviously causing Him so much pain earlier. And cried because she still ached to have Him hold her.

When sleep finally took her off to dreamland she found herself on a sailboat with Him holding her in the warm sun as the waves gently rocked them. And in her sleep, Evie smiled.

\---------------

They ate their pasta in relative silence. Tony could see Gibbs trying to put together the rest of the story. He looked tired to Tony's trained eye, bone tired. Tony couldn't even begin to imagine the weight of all this that Gibbs had carried for so many years. Tony thought about Abby and how he would feel if any of this had happened to her, the thought made his stomach flip and he dropped his fork with a clunk.

"She and her little partner in crime, Matthew found this private clinic out in Seattle that specialized in treating people with alternative lifestyles. He made the arrangements to have her treated there. The little weasel even got her a first-class plane ticket courtesy of her Director. I had gone home to shower and catch a few hours sleep and when I got back her room was empty. Just empty, Tony. I didn't know what to think." Gibbs stood and brought His plate to the sink and went through the motions of rinsing it on auto-pilot.

"They didn't talk to You about it?" Tony asked in disbelief.

"No. Nobody said a word. They paged Matthew for me and when he got there he explained where she was and that she was safe. And he gave me this damn note that she left..." His voice trailed off as He again got lost in His memories. He stood there for a long moment staring out the window over the sink, gripping the sink with white knuckles.

Tony stood and closed the distance between them to stand beside Him at the sink. He placed a loving hand on His back and gently rubbed and quietly asked, "What did the note say?"

He let himself be comforted by Tony, His body so hungry for something, anything that would ease the pain that coursing was through Him.

He turned to face Tony and with fresh tears rimming his eyes he whispered, "All it said was â€˜I'm sorry.' That was all she left me, Tony."

\--------------  
_  
He never came. He never followed. And her shattered soul had so desperately wanted Him to._

The place she where she lived was warm and inviting, and most importantly, safe. She could talk to them about all of her feelings and fears. They understood when the monster in the dark would rip screams from her throat in the middle of the night, and there were soothing words and strong arms holding her as she cried it out, but they weren't His arms. And they understood that too.

Her body healed, although the monster had left his mark. Scars crisscrossed her body, a constant reminder of the horror she had endured. She often felt like her body was no longer her own, and was terrified that He would be repulsed by the sight of it.

She had moments of happiness that grew into hours and, later on, even days. She was healing. She was once again becoming a child of the light.

\---------------

Evie's dreams were a mixed lot as she slept. She dreamt of sailboats and warm sand only to be dragged into darkness with the feel of evil hands on her. She woke with a start, breathless and biting back a scream. She used techniques she had learned a long time ago in the clinic to calm herself and bring herself back to reality. She wasn't in danger and she wasn't trapped in the dark with a monster.

Finally calm, she got up and went to the bathroom and splashed some water on her face. She looked at the reflection looking back at her and wondered what He had seen earlier. Did He notice the little lines around her eyes and mouth? Did He think she looked too thin? Did He think she looked old? Did He think she looked broken? Did He think she was repulsive?

She noticed something and brought her hand to her neck, right at the edge of the t-shirt she was sleeping in, a thin, silvery white scar started. She was lucky. It was the only one of her scars that was actually visible in normal clothing and it was small in comparison to some of the others.

In a moment of defiance, she pulled the t-shirt over her head to stand naked in the harsh light of the hotel bathroom. She never looked at herself naked anymore. She traced the thin lines on her breasts with a finger. There were bigger, deeper scars on her stomach and thighs and she traced each one of them. Turning were she stood she traced each scar on her back with her eyes. She turned and faced the mirror dead-on once again and tried to look at herself objectively.

She smiled remembering a treasured visit she had had with Matthew about five years ago when he had come to Seattle for a conference. They had kept in contact through the years and she cherished his friendship and he hers. He brought the wine and she made him dinner, and they talked. He had asked her how her social life was faring and she told him that she didn't have one. So he had bluntly asked her when she had had sex last and her silence was all the answer he had needed, she hadn't since the rape. The two bottles of wine they had shared had brought down some of her walls and she confided through her tears that she thought she was horribly disfigured and that no man would want her.

Nothing he could say would convince her otherwise so he took direct action and dragged her by the hand into her bedroom and stood her in front of the mirror. He described in great detail what men saw when they looked at her. And with a wicked little wink he had grabbed her t-shirt and pulled it up and over her head before she had a chance to protest. She tried to cover herself with her arms but he gently tugged her wrists down to her sides and whispered in her ear as he ran a gentle hand over her stomach touching scars and smooth skin equally, "Any man that has the luck to be this close to you and only see your scars is both blind and a fool and doesn't deserve you anyway."

He leaned in and gently kissed her shoulder, not caring that his lips half fell on scar tissue. She turned in his arms and he embraced her tightly. He could feel how starved for human contact she was and that she was terrified that he would let go. He managed to get her t-shirt back on her and they curled up on her bed and he let her cling to him as he held her and stroked her hair. They fell asleep that way and for Evie it was the first night in ten years that she didn't have a nightmare.

Evie slipped her shirt back on and looked herself square in the eye one more time before going back to bed. The memory of Matthew holding her was fresh in her mind and she was just nodding off to sleep when she realized that at some point in her mind's eye He had replaced Matthew as the one holding her and stoking her hair and she reveled in the fantasy.

\---------------

Abby couldn't sleep. She had already decided to head over to Gibbs' house first thing in the morning. She went over and over her conversation with Eveline earlier. She couldn't imagine the pain and heartache she and Gibbs had been through. And it was so painfully clear that Eveline still loved Him.

Deciding to act first and worry about consequences later she fired up her laptop and did some digging.

\---------------

Tony didn't hesitate, he simply pulled Him into a tight embrace and didn't let go. And he was angry with himself, how could He be in this much pain for so long and neither he or Abby notice? Tony held on for dear life and slid a strong hand to His nape and stroked gently.

"She just left, Tony. And I didn't know what to do. She didn't want me. Didn't need me. And I let her go. I just let her go. Oh god, _why _did I let her go?"

Tony let Him sob and vent all the heartbreak that he had bottled up for so long. When He quieted Tony pulled back a bit and took His face in both hands and brought His red-rimmed eyes up to meet his. "It was her decision. Her choice. I know You loved her, and still love her. But You can't bottle up all this guilt inside You about things that You couldn't control."

"I should have gone after her."

 

Tony challenged gently, sensing they were getting to the crux of the matter, "So why didn't You?"

Fresh, silent tears streamed down His cheeks and Tony wiped them away with his thumbs. His reply was barely a whisper, "I was afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"That she hated me. I wouldn't have been able to stand it if she hated me. So I never chanced it."

\--------------

Gibbs had nothing more to say. There just wasn't anything left _to _say. Tony could see how exhausted He was, how defeated, yet His body was still wired taunt. Tony gently led Him upstairs, the quiet man silently complying. Tony started the shower and efficiently stripped off his own clothes and then peeled off the many layers Gibbs was wearing. He gave Him a little nudge and got Him under the hot water and climbed in after Him.

His body was one big knot under Tony's strong hands. The slippery shower gel letting his hands slide easily over His back and shoulders. The shower was eerily quiet. There was none of the normal teasing, none of the normal banter, none of the normal arousal. Just quiet. Tony got them washed and rinsed and was trying to process in his own head what to do. They toweled off and Tony placed a gentle hand on His back to guide Him towards the bed.

He pulled back the covers and nudged Him to lie down and He complied, the eerie silence almost overpowering in the room. Tony went around to the other side of the bed and crawled in, not exactly sure how his next action would be taken. They didn't cuddle, didn't hold each other, they had Abby for that particular need. But somehow Tony knew that that was exactly what He needed tonight. But not from Abby.

Tony slid towards the center of the bed and spooned up behind Him, noticing that He was gripping the pillow so hard His knuckles were white. He started with a gentle stroke on His arm, softly running his hand all the way down His arm to those tense knuckles.

Again and again he repeated the motion, not saying anything in the quiet where all he could hear was the sound of their breathing. Until he heard Him bite back a sob. And then he wrapped his arms around Him tightly and whispered in His ear, "Let it go."

When He shook His head, refusing, Tony squeezed harder and said in a firm, low tone that he had never used with Him, "Let it go. I've got You."

The sound began as a low vibration, a testament to the fact that He was still fighting to contain it, until He couldn't and it erupted as a heartbreaking wail. Wave after wave He sobbed, crying for her, crying for Him, and crying for what was lost. Crying because He could. He held on to the arms Tony had wrapped around him in a death grip as if he were afraid Tony would let go.

He was broken, He had shattered. And in that moment, everything that He had been teaching Tony in the past year all fell in line for Tony. He recognized the exact moment He had shattered. Recognized that he had given Him exactly what He needed. And recognized that He still needed more.

Tony kept that low, firm tone and reassured Him, "I'm not leaving." He entwined their fingers and continued, "Let it all go, I've got You." Tony felt Him relax back in to him slightly as he held Him through the storm.

\---------------

_Being back in the light wasn't easy. It took work and strength and it was exhausting sometimes. And it was lonely. She missed Him. Missed him with every one of her shattered pieces that she had worked so hard to patch back together._

It took two years before she was strong enough in mind and body to return to work. And she was glad to be back. They found a place for her working cases that had run cold. And she was good at it. She was able to chase the monsters in the dark that thought they had gotten away with their crimes. And it was satisfying to destroy that illusion for them.

Her confidant became her friend. And their emails and phone calls eased that loneliness a little, but he wasn't Him.

As the time slipped by she tried to date, tried to be the woman she once was but it was impossible. She did try once, with a beautiful man with a gentle smile and tender hands. But she couldn't go through with it, and he was understanding. She would have almost preferred that he had been angry. She didn't try again. Instead she just tucked that part of her away, to be forgotten.

But it was never completely forgotten. In her dreams she would remember. Remember the feel of His hands on her making her tremble and beg, the taste of His mouth on hers, the heady smell of His body, and joy of having Him inside her. And it took a long time for her to admit to herself that it wasn't that she didn't want to have someone inside her but rather that she only wanted Him inside her.

\---------------

Abby let herself in. And not seeing the men up and about in the kitchen she headed upstairs. She stood in the doorway to the bedroom and just took in the scene before her. They had apparently had sex given the tube on the nightstand and the empty condom wrappers but the view on the bed was telling her that somehow the dynamic had changed between the two.

Her boys didn't cuddle. Well, with her they did, but they patently avoided cuddling with each other. Yet here they were, Tony on his back with Gibbs lying on his chest, Tony's arms around Him protectively. It was beautiful and she took a mental picture to treasure.

She slipped back downstairs and started the coffeepot brewing knowing that would get them up.

\---------------

Evie got up and splurged on ordering room service, she just wasn't up for hotel room coffee. She ran through quick shower and was dressed when her breakfast arrived.

She sipped her coffee as she efficiently packed up her belongings. She smiled thinking that tomorrow she would have breakfast on the beach.

She finished eating and zipped up her suitcase. She slipped on her shoulder holster and snapped her Sig in place and hid it all under a navy blazer.

She gave one last look around the room and flipped the lights off as she left, humming a little Hawaiian melody as she headed for the elevator.

\--------------

The smell of coffee wafted upstairs and as Abby had predicted, it woke the two men. Gibbs lifted His head and looked up at Tony. Tony gave Him a little smile and said, "Abby."

He nodded and turned his face away, a little embarrassed about things. Tony gently tucked a finger under His chin and turned Him back towards him, "Are You okay?"

Gibbs saw no recrimination in Tony's eyes, no pity, just concern and... love. It took Him a moment to really accept that and reply, "Yeah."

Tony saw the embarrassment, and decided to repeat something that He had told him a year ago, "Do You remember telling me that we all need? And that there was no greater trust than being able to let someone give you exactly what you need?"

Gibbs nodded and Tony continued, "I get it now. All of it."

Gibbs let a little smile cross His face, "Yes, you do."

"We better head down so Abby can smother, I mean mother you."

Gibbs slid out of bed and headed for the dresser. He opened the drawer and pulled out a flat hinged box. He crossed back over to the bed and sat next to Tony who had sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He handed Tony the box, "Before we go down, I want to give you something." He handed Tony the box.

He gave Gibbs a questioning look and opened the box. He smiled seeing his own collar nestled in the velvet. But it was different now than it had been the first time he wore it, it now sported a beautiful sapphire mounted to it. He ran an appreciative finger over it and looked over to the man sitting next to him. He suddenly had a lump in his throat but managed to croak out, "Thank you."

Gibbs smiled and teased, "Thank Abby, she picked it out."

Tony's eyes soften and he said quietly, "I meant for trusting me."

Gibbs pulled him into a tight embrace that Tony reciprocated and whispered, "Nobody more, Tony. Nobody more."

\---------------

Abby was flitting around the kitchen when they came downstairs. She saw Gibbs and immediately muckled onto him for dear life. He squeezed her back and said, "I'm alright, Abs." She held Him for another minute then finally let Him go.

Tony was next in line for a big squeeze and oddly she held him even longer than she had Gibbs and whispered, "Love you," in his ear before letting him go.

The three sat quietly and had coffee. Gibbs and Tony could see Abby squirming over something. And Gibbs finally said, "What is it, Abs?"

"Um, well, um, last night when I left work I sorta met Eveline at the park that you had gone to when you left the office."

Gibbs almost choked on his coffee, Tony actually did.

"She was there?" Gibbs asked.

Abby nodded and continued, "We had a nice... talk."

"Did she know who you were? What did she say?" Gibbs' thoughts were suddenly spinning and He was reassured by Tony's hand on His shoulder.

"Yeah, she knew. And the topic of emeralds and onyx came up. So she _really _knew who I was. And before I tell you anything else I have a question. Will you promise to answer me honestly?"

That went without saying but He promised anyway, "Yes."

"Do you still care about her, still love her?" She asked Him in a tone that He knew meant that she meant business.

He wanted to lie. Lie to Abby, but more importantly lie to Himself. But He couldn't, especially with Tony sitting there knowing the full raw truth. "I never stopped loving her, Abby."

"Funny, she said something similar about You." Abby beamed at Him.

"She said what?" He demanded.

"You heard me right the first time. Now since it's better to beg forgiveness than ask permission I have something for You." She slid an envelope across the counter to Him.

He looked at it not really understanding and she explained, "She told me that she was going someplace where she could smell the sea and the flowers. So I did some digging last night and found her flight information." She pointed to the envelope, "Those are e-ticket confirmations for tickets for You to Hawaii. I couldn't get You on the same flight to L.A. but You're on her flight from L.A. to Hawaii."

She looked at the two flabbergasted men, "Gibbs, she loves You, You love her. Now is Your chance to fix things. You just have to be strong enough to take the chance."

Tony's hand had never left His shoulder and it grounded Him. He looked at Tony who challenged Him gently, "You have to ask Yourself which is worse, knowing or not knowing."

Gibbs dropped His eyes back to the envelope, and Tony added, "And You know regardless of what happens that we're here for You."

\---------------

He had to know. And after taking a shower and packing a quick bag He found himself being driven to the airport by Abby and Tony. They pulled up to the terminal drop off and got out. They were quite willing to go in with Him and wait but He resisted, "I think I need to do this by myself."

Tony understood and nodded. Abby looked a little rejected but just gave Him a huge hug. Abby climbed back in the car giving the two men a moment, she could sense the reversal in their roles and knew that they would need time to sort things out.

They stood there for a moment and Tony decided to break the ice and extended his hand. Gibbs laughed and took it but at the last minute decided the hell with it and pulled Tony into a quick hug. And as He did He said quietly, "Thank you."

Tony clapped Him on the back and pulled back to look Him in the eye, noting that He seemed lighter today, as if a huge weight had been lifted from His shoulders, and Tony realized that it had, and that he was the one that had done it. His eyes twinkled in amusement and said honestly, "Anytime."

He watched as Gibbs disappeared into the terminal and took a deep breath. The events of the past twenty-four hours had managed to turn everything he thought he knew upside down. But as he turned towards the car, he was on the receiving end of a beautiful Abby smile and he knew that he wasn't alone and that everything would work itself out in the end one way or another.

\---------------

Evie's flight had been called and she made her way to the plane and got all the way to the threshold of the plane's door but couldn't make herself cross it. She was running away again. Hurting Him again and not leaving Him any explanation as to why. And that thought made her chest hurt more than seeing him yesterday.

The other passengers jostled around her and when everyone but her had boarded, the flight attendant asked in a concerned way if she coming on board or not. That simple question solidified it all in her mind and with a determined look on her face she answered, "No. I'm staying this time." And she turned to make her way back down the tunnel.

\---------------

He knew which flight she was on, and he had gotten through security in time to see it still sitting on the tarmac. He stood at the window watching the tunnel being pulled back and the plane moving. He watched it taxi away and he said to no one, "I've got your six this time, Evie."

A quiet voice that he would know anywhere said behind him, "You always had my six, Jethro."

He turned slowly, as if she would disappear if he moved too quickly. She hesitated but took a step towards him. And when he didn't say anything or move a muscle she took another step closer.

He could see her biting her bottom lip. She always did that when she was nervous. His eyes drank in her face, he knew every curve of it and his body was moving before his mind even knew what he was doing and he closed the distance between them and reached out to cup her cheek in his calloused hand.

She closed her eyes for a moment and just leaned into his touch as he gently stoked her cheek with his thumb. She opened her eyes and a single tear slid down and disappeared under his hand, as if sealing the moment. She didn't want to stumble over her words but there was something that she just had to say and in hoarse whisper she let it out, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to stay. I'm so sorry."

His hand that had been so lightly stroking her cheek moved to her lips and he shushed her by tracing them with a gentle finger and he smiled, "You did that to me once remember? I thought I was dreaming."

She nodded but he wouldn't let her speak, he wasn't done, "I'm the one who's sorry, Evie. Sorry I wasn't strong enough to follow you. I should have. I was afraid, afraid that you hated me."

He could see the flood of tears waiting to happen in her eyes and though she tried, a few snuck out as she reached a tentative hand to place it on his heart, "Jethro, I could never hate you, never. I loved you. I still love you, I never stopped."

He didn't hesitate, didn't over analyze it, didn't worry if it was the right thing to do or not, he just pulled her into his arms and held on tight. And his own tears threatened to fall as he whispered, "God, Evie, I've needed to hear you say that for so long. I love you too, always have. Always will." He kissed the top of her head.

She squeezed him back as tightly as he was holding her, neither of them caring about the spectacle that they were causing in the airport. She spoke into his chest, not willing to give up having his arms around her to talk, "So now what do we do?"

"I say we go to Hawaii. I can't think of a better place for us to work this out. No work, no phones, just you and me. What do you think?"

"I think we need plane tickets."

He chuckled and it made her laugh, and they each reveled in the sound of the other's laughter. It had been sorely missed.

They pulled back from each other and looked for their carryon bags but Evie caught him standing there with a familiar little smirk and she just shook her head and he caught the impish twinkle in her eye a split second before she shoved him up against the concrete terminal pillar and kissed him fiercely.

They ignored the catcalls and whistles and when she finally let him go his smirk had been replaced by a bamboozled look of shock. She turned to pick up her bag with a grin, "Good to know I still got it."

He shook his head and tried to re-engage his brain, "That was in question?"

They made their way to the ticket counter and he opened the envelope from Abby. He laughed as he read the note inside and handed it to Evie.

_"Hi Gibbs, Hi Eveline! Since I just know that you didn't leave on that flight Eveline, there are two e-tickets waiting for you both to get you to L.A. and you can take the rest from there. Have fun and give us a call to let us know you're doing okay. Love, Abby_

PS- Can you bring me back one of those little dancing hula girls for Tony's car? I want to surprise him. -A"  
  
Evie laughed with him and teased, "I am dying to know the story behind Abby you know. She's something else."

He smiled fondly thinking of Abby, "Yes, she is. And I'll tell you all about her and," he hesitated for a moment and she finished for him, "And Tony?"

"Yeah." Somehow he wasn't surprised, but he wondered what else she and Abby had talked about.

"We have a lot to catch up on."

\--------------

The warm sand and gentle breeze was therapeutic. The first week they were there they didn't rent a boat, instead finding a little fishing bungalow off the beaten path. They talked. And cried. And healed. Together. No lies. No blame. No guilt. Just truth.

Little by little they reacquainted themselves with each other, every so slowly. Each afraid of saying something to make the other disappear. And the fifth night they were there, lying together in a huge hammock in the moonlight he asked her why she hadn't gone swimming yet. He remembered having a hard time keeping her out of the water the last time they were here, and it was bothering him. He felt her stiffen in his arms. "What is it, Evie?"

"I'm afraid, Jethro."

"Of what?"

She deftly slipped out of the hammock and walked to the water's edge, letting the surf nip at her toes. Her long cotton skirt held up a little to keep it out of the water. She felt, rather than heard him approach behind her and his arms coming around her gave her strength. "I'm afraid of what you'll think when you see me."

He had suspected it was something like that, she had never been modest with him, never hid her body from him. And she had lived in a bikini their last two trips here. Now she covered up. And it almost killed him that she would think he wouldn't want her because of her scars.

"C'mon. Let's go swimming." He stepped back from her and peeled off his clothes. She turned to him and feasted on the sight of him naked in the moonlight. She met his eyes for a moment before hooking her thumbs in the waistband of her skirt and stepping out of it. She tossed it out of the way of the surf and biting her lip she peeled her t-shirt off over her head and it joined her skirt. Her chin high and her eyes locked to his she searched for his reaction.

He stepped towards her and raised a tentative hand to run it softly over her shoulder and trail it down to trace the curve of her breast. He could feel them, the subtle little ridges and bumps marking the line between virgin and tortured skin. But he didn't see them. All he saw was the woman that had lived in his dreams for so long naked in the moonlight.

He could almost hear Tony's words in his head telling him to let it go when the tears rose in his eyes he didn't fight them. He let them stream silently down his face and he whispered, "You are so beautiful."

She saw the raw truth of his words in his eyes and reached her hands up and brushed away his tears and pulled his face to hers for a gentle kiss, and she said, "Let's go swimming."

They swam and explored each other all over again in the moonlight. They felt young again, free. And the night was filled with the sound of their laughter. And later after they had washed the sea from their skin, their finesse and grace abandoned them as it had on the first night they had made love and they stumbled to bed in a heap of arms and legs. And soon the night was filled with the quiet sounds of passion as fifteen years of longing was sated.

\---------------

The next morning she slipped out of bed before him and sat out on the beach with a coffee smiling as she thought about the night before. She shivered remembering the feel of him making his way into her for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime. She had thought she remembered the joy of having him inside her, she was wrong. He had been so gentle, so strong, and he had made it last forever. It had just been... perfect.

He looked out of the doorway and saw her sitting out on a blanket wearing just his t-shirt and he smiled. He poured himself coffee and joined her. He sat behind her and put his long legs out alongside hers and pulled her back to lean on him. "You okay?"

"Better than okay."

\---------------

They spent the next two days in a relaxing haze of sun and sand and sex. Then they decided that since they had another week that they really needed a boat. Hawaii just wasn't the same without one. So they packed up and rented one.

And the first night they lay cocooned in each other's arms on deck they talked about the future for the first time. Seattle to Washington was not an easy commute. But Evie had a solution. "I have an offer to head up cold case. Based out of Langley. It was one of the reasons I was on the east coast. I had a meeting about it the day before I went to NCIS."

"Is that something you want?"

"It's a great opportunity for me. I can really make a difference in cold case. But coming back isn't going to be easy. Memories are long and when they first presented it to me I wasn't sure I could handle it alone. But now..."

He squeezed her tightly, "You're not alone. Besides me, you can bet you've got Abby. And Tony. And we take care of our own."

"That's something we haven't talked about you know."

"What?" he asked, although he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

"Emeralds and clovers." She said simply.

"Yeah."

"I spent a lot of my time in therapy trying to reconcile what we used to do to what I could tolerate, what I wanted, what I needed. There is no one on this earth that I trust more than you, Jethro. But there are things I just can't do any more. Even with you. Is that part of who we were something you can live without?"

"Evie, just having you here, being able to touch you like this is enough for me. And if there is anything else _you _want it's your call. But this is enough, more than enough."

"And what about Abby and Tony?" They had had a long talk about them, and she knew how much he cared about them.

"They have each other. And," he chuckled, "they even love each other. But I'm not supposed to know that."

A quiet moment stretched out as they each got lost in their thoughts. When a particularly adamant wave smacked the side of the boat setting it rocking Evie laughed, "We still need a boat of our own, Jethro."

He laughed and rolled her under him, "About that..."

\---------------

Matthew opened his email to see one from Evie. He hadn't heard from her in a few weeks and he smiled as he opened it, wondering what sort of trouble she had been making for the criminal world now. The email was short.

_"Matthew, I finally found all the pieces. Love, Evie"_

There was a picture attached and when he opened it he almost didn't recognize the radiant, sun-kissed couple in the picture. She was wearing a beautiful white sundress with a lei of red flowers and the man embracing her from behind in a light grey linen suit with his head tucked on her shoulder was older than he remembered but still ruggedly handsome. They looked happy, and in love.

But what almost brought tears to his eyes, knowing what they both had been through, were the simple gold bands on their fingers glinting in the sunlight.

\---------------  
the end.


End file.
